I’ve never really had any close guy friends. I’m not complaining, I’m just saying. I had my girl friends, and then there were guys in our friend group (my friends were close with guys, and they’re super great and fun but I was never very close with them) but it just wasn’t my thing. Maybe that’s weird, I don’t know. I think when I was young I compartmentalized boys into a “boyfriend” category; so boys are for dating, and only for dating. I had no guy friends.
There were boys I briefly “dated” in high school. And I use that term loosely; none of those little relationships were serious. And then there was Eli. Our relationship had the rockiest of starts. For years we secretly despised each other (he won’t fess up that he didn’t like me when we first met, but I could sense it), but we both grew up into what I like to call “real humans”. We learned that we shared a love for white chocolate chip macadamia nut cookies and pomegranate arils and we became good friends. Then more than friends. Then we dated. We got through some difficult times: my over-bearing parents, his ex-girlfriend, my insecurities, his insecurities…typical shit. But from day one, we knew we wouldn’t be like normal high school couples; we didn’t have much patience for mediocrity. It feels like we’ve been dating for at least a millennia and a half. We’ve established that we’re soul mates; we get each other and we make each other happy.
So here’s the thing….In my head I am a married woman that is pregnant with her first child; completely off the market. And I’ve never had to really think about that until today.
I was walking home from a class today with a new school friend. We live in the same dorm and we have the same class, we get along well, he’s great, I’m great, it’s great. But for weeks I’ve been questioning his sexuality. Maybe this is really awful of me to say (or even think) but usually you get a certain vibe around a gay guy/girl. Right? I was getting those vibes from my friend, but nothing was confirmed. So today, I caught up to him and we walked to The Dwight (my dorm). The temperature had really dropped and the Chicago wind had really picked up and I was walking stiffly with my arms crossed. My friend put his arms around me. Not just a casual arm; but both arms. And I freaked out in my head.
“Why is he even doing this?”
“Doesn’t he know I’m betrothed?!”
“Does this mean he’s not gay?”
“Am I over thinking this?”
“Do all guy friends do this? Is this normal? Am I the weird one?”
The moment passed and we carried on. We conversed until we parted ways when the elevator dropped me off at my floor. But it really weirded me out. I don’t know what it’s like to have a guy friend. I don’t know how this goes at all. But I know that I love Eli, and I felt a little violated having another guy’s arms around me that weren’t his. Maybe it’s because the feeling of having a guy friend is so foreign to me. Maybe I’m just not that into other people touching me (this is actually a fact; I’m not into touching though there are a few exceptions). Maybe it’s because I miss Eli and I wish I was walking home with him instead of my friend. I don’t know.
In conclusion, I’m crossing my fingers so that this won’t happen again. It is way too awkward; and I obviously can’t handle awkward.